About a month ago, I got a call from my doc. Some routine tests came back with "concerning" results and required follow up. So I had to make an appointment to go back in....three weeks out from that time. Odds were good that it would either work out to be nothing or at least something easily addressed. But there was a chance that it was something more serious. And as anyone who tends toward anxiety knows....an anxious brain does not lock onto the good odds. It grips the worst case scenario like a steel bear trap and drops on down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. Add that to the stress I was already feeling pre-vacation, and it was a helluva inner storm. On the outside, I played it all off like no big deal. Rough week at work. Just ready for a vacation.
Vacation was beyond wonderful. We ate and drank and lounged and played and just enjoyed the hedonism that comes with a week in paradise where the answer to everything is "yes". But with 12 hours of travel time out and back, and plenty of moments to sit with all the internal dialogue, I spent a lot of time thinking. And I came back with a different attitude.
No more bullshit. I've noticed that I frequently have the thought that I am just plain "exhausted". I'm so tired. All the time. Even when I sleep enough. Even on vacation. So I started paying attention to where my energy was going. It turns out, it's often funneled into all the stress and negative shit. It's spent on running like mad and trying to do everything and not stopping to take care of myself. As I thought harder about it, I realized that this is no way to be happy. No wonder I've been so restless in life. I have no energy left to deal with the important things.
Then I thought "If this test comes back with 'bad'....or oh please I hope not the 'worst case scenario'...results, is this how I want to live my day to day? Are these things worth focusing my time on?". The answer came quickly. No. Of course not. Life is too damn precious. And in the end, nobody gives a fuck how much work you got done or whether you had the last word or about any of your material goods. And, frankly, in the midst of your body doing whatever the hell it wants with no regard to what you want, do you even care about those things? Nope. I could not possibly care less about all the little nonsense and material shit. So why have I been letting all the little things pile up and the negative things drag me down into a never-ending spiral?
Here is where "different" comes in. It was time to let go of the hurts and the anger toward people in my past. Letting that go does not equate letting those people back in my life or making nice with them. It means not dwelling on it. Accepting that it's said and done and no longer letting those thoughts and feelings take up energy. It means it's time to weigh situations as they come up and decide whether it's worth getting drawn into, whether it's worth investing feeling into and taking it personally. The things that register as a yes, I pursue as passionately as I always have. But I'm done getting pulled into the petty drama - mostly applying to work. The politics and games and less-than-ideal coworkers aren't worth any more than a laugh and a brush off.
What matters is the relationships I have now. The positive focuses in my life. We all have a past. We all have wounds and scars. And it is far too easy to hold those wrongs against any- and everyone else down the road. I could re-hash for you my own experiences. Friendships that failed or faded. Relationships that crashed and burned. A rocky, cruel divorce. An abusive relationship. It's all a play on the same old universal stories - we all have our own versions of the same themes. It's not worth pulling up all the details, reliving the issues. It's there. It happened. Why stay in the cycle? No point.
And so, on the stressful days, I take a deep breath. I vent when I need to. I laugh at the absurd situations. I deal with what I can address and then I move on. If I need to come home and sleep, that's what I do. If I need to cuddle with Brutus and pretend the world doesn't exist while I watch mindless movies, I do that. And if need to have some normal human time, I go spend time with friends. I focus on that moment and try not to dwell and try not to worry about the 'what if's. I've gotten back to the gym. With no expectations and no pressure, I just train. And my god does it feel good.
On the good days (which are increasingly outnumbering the stressful and/or 'bad' ones), I enjoy it. I go with what feels good. I get silly. I get goofy. I smile and laugh a lot. I try to put that positive energy out there. I aim to give a little light to those around me. Because that's all worth sharing. And I just flat out feel better.
To round this out, I got a call from my doctor's office post-follow up telling me that the tests showed benign tissue. Doc will keep an eye up on regular checkups for a while, but all is good. My anxious mind is at ease.
Ultimately, you choose what you focus on. You choose where you spend your energy. And it's up to you to make the moves to protect yourself and make changes if your current situation is not serving you. Carry on, friends. Let's just share a meal, a laugh, a moment. Let's enjoy life. Let's...just...be.
