I Don't Care How My Butt Looks

It's been too long. I've missed you all. And a place to ramble. So here's what's on my mind:

I used to care what my body looked like to other people. Years ago, I worried about the scale number, kept myself as tiny as possible, tried to be small and not take up space. If I reached 110lbs, I panicked.  Then I discovered CrossFit and then Strongman. Taking up space became a point of pride as my body became solid, muscle grew, and I proclaimed my existence. I topped out at 140lbs. Solid. A little fluffy. Pound for pound, really strong. My focus shifted to my strength, what I could do.  But, of course, I also enjoyed how I looked physically. I was proud of my "squat butt".

Burned out, drained, and disappointed in a lot of things about my local community, I took a break from strongman. An opportunity arose to take my teacher training course for yoga. I've practiced since I was a teenager. It's the one thing I've consistently turned to over the years as I've moved from athletic hobby to hobby. Once upon a time, I started a teacher training...and then life had other plans. So I just continued to practice. And this chance came up. I knew it would be time intensive, and would involve a little sacrifice in that. But the blessing of the job I can't stand is that it affords me the ability to do something like this. And was I going to just make excuses for the few reasons it would be difficult to do....or look at all the reasons the universe was pointing me in that direction at this time? And so, I committed to it.  That meant no gym time....no way could I balance work and its chaos, training and all the time at home it took, and still having some semblance of a personal life. I'm learning to look at the bigger picture and be patience. So....okay. No problem. I'll take the down time, focus on this, and then see where it all goes. Despite popular belief (or my own sense of self importance) the gym doesn't cease to exist if I'm not there. 

Turned out to be the best decision for me. I took the downtime. Spent time learning. Practiced and practiced and practiced. Re-established a meditation practice (I've had one on and off for about the same length of time I've practiced yoga. I'm a practicing Buddhist - go ahead and mock my hippie self - except for a brief period when I went to adult catechism and got confirmed....that was an experience probably best left for another post).  I needed the shift in gears. And out of it came some really wonderful friends, a beautiful community, and some opportunities to teach for which I'll forever be grateful. 

And I no longer care what my butt looks like. 

I care about being healthy. I care about what I put in my body. About eating good food and enjoying it and feeling healthy. I don't just mean "healthy lettuce leaves" either...I mean salads and veggies and pizza and chocolate. And whiskey - never forget the whiskey. All things in moderation, whatever I want at the time. I care about being active because I enjoy it. I love to sweat. To have challenges. So I'll lift when I want to, exercise at home when it suits, go climbing and hiking, and maybe occasionally go for a run. I care about my mind and my emotional well-being. If all this recent global panic and chaos has taught me anything, it's that self-care is truly the foundation for empathy. You can't give what you don't have. So I practice yoga. I meditate. I read. I give myself breaks from the constant inundation of shit....both malicious and well-intentioned. I understand that this may drive away some people in my life, because I'm not solely about the lifting life anymore. Though I still love it, and will continue to do when it's time, a lot of people have no interest in my "hippie shit". But the genuine friends do. And they'll be around. And most of all:

I practice being kind and honest and unapologetic for myself and my needs. 

All of this has opened another door, which I suppose I can share while I'm at it. Because who doesn't like sharing good news? I finally took the plunge into the unknown. I've been unhappy at my job for almost as long as I've had it. And I've been too scared to move toward what I really want to do. But today....I gave notice at my job. I'm returning to therapy. But on my terms. I'll do contractual work as a therapist in a couple different places. And I'll teach yoga a few times a week. Nice, steady classes.  I'll make my own schedule and finally give myself the balance I've desperately wanted. It'll be tight for a while. And scary. Since when do we let fear hold us back, eh?

Moving from a cozy corporate job to the uncertainty is terrifying. This goes against everything we're pushed toward. But I have got to stop letting other people's fears become my own. Let's face it, kids...I've never been corporate. I tried hard to fit in the box for years now. It's not me. But that doesn't mean I can't make a decent living, take care of my responsibilities, and live on my own terms. Plenty of people do.  They just have to be brave enough to take the leap. And smart enough to have a plan. Worst case scenario, I use my "looks impressive on paper" resume and go back to being a cog in the machine down the road. I just refuse to believe that this is it....this is the next 30+ years of my life? Hell no.

So follow me into the adventure; let's see where it goes. Good, bad, ugly...and absolutely beautiful.