You know that moment, when a song comes on and it suddenly triggers memories from years ago? Maybe it doesn't even trigger one specific event, so much as a feeling, a sense of a period of time in your past. I've been practicing meditation regularly for about 6 weeks now. Practicing being present and in the moment. But today, I got carried back to a point in my life about 4 years ago. Driving home, a song cued up on my Spotify...and something about the combination of the music, the fresh air, and driving past the trees starting to change just stirred up some memories. And that got me thinking....as I'm prone to do from time to time.
4 years ago, at this point in the year, I was in a weird transition. I had tumbled out of a marriage, through the rabbit hole of a simple yet surprisingly cruel divorce. I was on my own for the first time in my life, trying to sort myself out, reeling from life abruptly changing. I remember many a Fall day when I drove around blasting this particular artist....or sitting outside at the coffee shop studying for class (I had briefly returned to school that Fall) with them playing through my headphones. All those crazy, mixed up feelings returned for just a moment or two. And then I thought about how much has changed since then.
Early last week, I finally met up with a family member who used to be like a sibling. We had a falling out years ago, at a time when both of us were messy and angry, for different and weirdly similar reasons. In catching up, she made a comment about how I seemed much happier now, content with life, comfortable with myself. I had acknowledged it and moved along. I'm tempted to say we repaired our relationship, but I think we've actually started to build a whole new, far better (and healthier) one. It's a wonderful feeling. Her comment came back to me as I thought about those 4 year-old feelings. She's right.
It took all the things I went through to get where I am. It took that disappointing marriage and messy divorce. It took the resulting rebound relationship - a disaster of verbal abuse and gaslighting and exploiting every insecurity I ever had - and its implosion. It took missteps and relationships that never took off and a lot of time on my own. And now, through the beauty of hindsight, I see the good things that grew out of this chaos. The friendships that strengthened. The person I have become.
If you want the most honest change that occurred....then I'll be transparent for a moment. I was so angry. Past me carried so much anger and resentment. But I never let it out. It was my burden to bear, my feelings, and I dared not bother anyone else with it. For many, many reasons - that are far too personal and not nearly ready to be processed publicly - I carried so much anger. I denied that it existed. I don't think I was even capable of seeing the true scope of it. But inside, I seethed. I raged. I let it eat away at me. It gathered steam like a tidal wave, and overtook me. Finally...and I'm not saying I was even aware that this was what I was doing at the time....I decided that it wasn't serving any purpose other than making me miserable and making life harder. I started to let it go. Not all at once. I'd love to tell you I'm some enlightened being who had an epiphany and sudden released all my worldly burdens. But that isn't even near the truth. Bit by bit, piece by piece, I've slooooowly pulled out that anger, like shards of glass pulled from flesh. Each piece gets held out, acknowledged, and safely discarded. It's a long, painful process. There's plenty more to go. But the resulting peace that takes its place soothes the wounds.
I never want to go back to being that girl. The lonely, perpetually sad girl who believe she deserved all the garbage. The girl who was afraid to demand her true worth. The girl who was afraid to take up space, who would've gladly shrunk herself into non existence if only it pleased those around her. After all the experiences, good and bad, here I am. Assertive, loud-mouthed, gloriously weird, and finally comfortable with all my strengths and my flaws. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be.
Of course, 4 years-ago-Bee would've been skeptical if you'd have told her this would be her life now. She'd have raised an eyebrow at the picture of future her: a much better job (two, in fact, in that time span), strongman, traveling, a hedgie to snuggle, teaching yoga. But I think the hardest thing for her to believe would be the internal feeling. The change in self-image. And the contentment with life.
As long as I can keep learning and growing and experiencing life, I am a happy Bee. I expect to continue changing as I go, and am ready to embrace whoever I may be down the road with the same enthusiasm and understanding I give myself now. I challenge you all to think about the positive changes you've seen in your life lately. Think about who are now and how you want to grow and change....and make that a goal. I challenge you to be a happier, healthier you.
