The Joy of the Ever-Expanding Tribe

Even those of you who have just recently met me, or who even briefly glanced at my social media, have likely noticed the word "tribe" pop up frequently. I say it/write it/hashtag it often in reference to my people - other women who are athletic, strong, independent. I am a huge advocate of empowering women. That's not even close to being a secret. So why bother writing about it? Because aspects of it have been heavy on my mind lately.

Let me begin by sharing something I wrote as a caption to a photo quote from the Cookie Monster. This was posted to Facebook on Dec 1, 2014:

I had been conditioned over the years - by bad experiences, life, society, shitty human beings - to be inherently wary of other women. They were competition, the enemy, always out to hurt me with ulterior motives. They were not to be trusted and would stab me in the back the minute I turned.

Thankfully, this past year has been a lesson in just the opposite. I have found myself surrounded by a growing group of amazing women. Strong women, in every sense of the word. Like-minded women who are confident, funny, sarcastic, intelligent, unfailingly kind, and a level of supportive of each other (and me) that I have never seen. I am grateful to a point that is impossible to express in mere words. 

The Cookie Monster keeps it simple (as with all the good and true things in life)....and I concur. So, ladies, I want you to know...I would happily share my very last Oreo with any one of you.

I can add, over a year later, that this feeling continues...and has grown tenfold. But lets back up a little first. 

We moved around a lot when I was a kid. Three times during my middle school years alone. It is what it is...life happens and there are plenty of reasons that these were necessary moves. But this led to going to 3 different schools from the beginning of 5th grade to the end of 7th grade. I was an incredibly awkward kid....all gangly limbs, a mass of curly blonde hair, and the kind of crooked teeth that happen when nature blesses you with entirely too many molars for your mouth. I was a bright kid who loved to read and excelled in school. I played violin. I was the eldest child of a single mother who did her absolute damnedest to make sure that we had everything we needed, which means I did plenty of after-school babysitting of my younger siblings.

I wasn't anyone in particular in high school. If I were in a movie, I'd have been credited at the end as High School Student #12. I continued to play in the orchestra, I took Spanish for years, I was in AP classes and NHS and I wrote short stories at a furious pace more nights than not. I had a core group of friends, with a few extras coming and going with each passing year. Every year, we played the group up game....with 3 of us becoming "bffs". And we all know how teenage hierarchies work. Three girls together often means that there are 2 close friends holding a third at arms length at any given time. The pairing shifts with no rhyme or reason. And at some point...you get to be the odd man out. That hurts like a bitch. But that's how many of us learn, as girls and young women, that female friendships go. There's backhanded and passive aggressive bullshit galore. We learn to jump into cliques, to group up, to not trust outsiders. It's a wildly immature way to approach relationships. Fortunately, many of us outgrow this. To some degree. I had a few very close friends through most of my twenties. Save for one friend - who has been a bestie since high school and continues to be one of the few people in this world I would drop everything for at a moment's notice - those friendships have waxed and waned through all of life's changes.

Strength sports were the catalyst for a massive shift in how I relate to other women. First through Crossfit, then through Strongman, I met some amazing women. They were all strong, funny, sarcastic, kindred spirits. No games, no cliques, no bullshit. I had to reconsider my concepts of confidence and support and connections to other women. 

My tribe is comprised of women who lift heavy things. Women who give 100% in training. Women who put as much energy into supporting the other competitors as they do into their own performance. Women who can laugh at themselves. Women who aren't afraid to fail. Women who understand that winning isn't everything and there is no such thing as perfection. Women who are beautiful because they give of themselves and their time and their knowledge freely, without hesitation. These are the people I am drawn to. You don't need a title, an impressive competition record, or even big PRs. You only need to have that spark, that kindness...and actions, my friends, speak far louder than words.

Yes, I have a very core group of women who are my inner circle. They are the ones I commiserate with, joke with, share life experiences with. I hold my personal life tightly, because it is mine and no one else's business. They are the trusted few who know the ins and outs of "Bee"....who share theirs with me. 

But I don't restrict myself to just this core group. If you show up to train at my gym, I will cheer you on. I will give feedback if asked. I will take the time to demonstrate new movements and watch your form and probably crack a joke or two. I will match you in excitement when you PR, when I pile plates on an implement and you move far more weight that you imagined you could, when you finally pick up that sandbag or atlas stone. And if I see you reflect this same excitement toward others....if you're open to trying new things and willing to fail and supportive of those around you.....you're in. You are now part of the tribe. 

This means my tribe continues to expand. At competitions, I support the girls I already know. But I also make a point to say hello, strike up conversation, and cheer on the other competitors. Half the fun at nationals this year was meeting so many awesome new women from near and far. While it's a competition....we all need to keep a couple things in mind: 1) I am going to do as well as my training and preparation allows - Someone else's good or bad day at a contest is not my business. I cannot control it. All I can do is focus on my own effort and performance. Though it is a contest, it's really a competition for myself. Can I continue to improve? Will I go heavier/faster/farther? That's what matters. 2) IT'S AMATEUR STRONGMAN. I mean, truly. I love the sport. I hope to do it for a very long time. But I am not a pro. You are not a pro. We are small peanuts. Strong peanuts...but small ones, nonetheless. 3) There are very few things in life worth being uptight about. This is not one of them. 

There are many women I look up to in this sport. They are impressive athletes and wonderful human beings. And I am not shy about telling them so. One woman in particular knows that she is my "rabbit"...a term borrowed from my running days. She always moves just a little faster and lifts just a little heavier than me. She motivates me to train harder, to push myself. And, unlike the immature view of the past, I have absolutely nothing bad to say about her. I consider her a friend...family, really. I love competing with her because we have fun. I am pumped for her when she wins because she truly deserves it. She is a dedicated athlete and trains hard. She has also sat on the floor with me after a competition when I was in tears, beating myself up for a mistake I made during an event. She has loaned me knee sleeves during a contest. She has invited me repeatedly to train with her.

I have little respect for athletes who aren't like this. Athletes who are mean, back-biting, passive aggressive shit talkers. Athletes who cannot shake a competitor's hand. Athletes who don't cheer on, console, or congratulate others. Athletes who make excuses and minimize others' accomplishments. Because, frankly, I don't care what you can lift. I don't care if you're a pro. I don't care how many people think you're a role model. If your character does not hold up....what's the point? We all peak. And then we decline. No one is on top forever. No one can keep up the PRs and the records and the podium spots. But trust me, if you're a shitty human being, other people will remember that. 

You know what? I just plain don't respect humans who are like this. Forget just "athletes". All humans. Be kind. Be decent. Be compassionate. Don't be an asshole. One day, you just might need that support you've refused others. How would you want to be treated? How would you want your loved ones to be treated?

And so, my tribe....let's carry it all forward. Ignite that spark, fan the flames, and pass that fire along.