Embracing Being Me

I've been thinking a lot lately about limits and enthusiasm. Perhaps might not seem an obvious pairing, but hear me out.

In my quest to really live my life, to have the experiences I want to be having, I've been doing and planning some things that aren't necessarily the "norm" for lots of people. While I'm no stranger to being the oddball in the immediate vicinity, this has led to some interesting reactions from people. You'd think they'd have learned by now to just smile and nod and move along. But people just can't stop themselves from voicing their opinion or think they're being helpful.

Let me preface the next part with this: though I may do some things that have some inherent risk or may not be the safest, I am not reckless. Impulsive, sure. But I will not knowingly do something that is just reckless and stupid. I calculate the risk and weigh the options. Because, let's be very honest here guys....there's risk involved in everything. Every morning I get in my car and drive to work, I'm taking a risk of a car accident or vehicle malfunction. Sitting in this condo building, I have the risk of one of my dumbass neighbors burning the joint down while we sleep. We get complacent and enjoy the illusion of safety, but life is truly inherently risky. It's only the "it'll never happen to me" mentality that let's us all feel calm and safe and un-anxious much of the time.

Maybe it's the joy of getting out of my 20s that has made the reality of life increasingly clear. I have realized that I would so much rather spend my money on experiences. That I have the ability to do so. That I can't take it with me when I go, so I may as well enjoy what I have. Why wait for "someday"? Why wait until I'm retired to try to get out and see the world and enjoy life? Why waste the time? I never want the regret of what I should have done or seen or been to hang over my head.

I posted a status on Facebook the other day that got some echoed responses of how true the statements are: It dawned on me that when I tell people ahead of time what I want to do or what I plan to do, if it's outside the "normal" box - if it has a risk involved that people cannot stifle and turn rose-colored or hold at arm's length - I get a lot of negative feedback. Some is outright negative. I've gotten called "crazy" and lord knows I'm used to getting the LOOK...like I'm some sort of alien creature people can't make sense of. BUT....when I tell people after the fact about what things I've done, the feedback is primarily a bunch of "wow!!" or positive statements. It's interesting to see that perhaps people's own fears and limitations they set on themselves project out onto others.

I've said before that I'm a 100% in kind of person. When I like something or I want to do something, I am all in, full-speed ahead. I recognize that about myself. I recently shared with a friend that I was considering exploring something new to me in further depth - which could become a costly endeavor initially - and was promptly reminded of my tendency to swan dive into things. And then I felt bad about being that way. What if I am too impulsive? What if I do crash from thing to thing, sampling a little of this and tasting a little of that and flitting around like some drunken butterfly? After a couple of days of pondering this, it hit me:

SO. WHAT.

So what if I try a million new things? Isn't that better than sticking with the same 5 things I'm used to and just wondering? When I'm done with this life, I want to look back and have zero regrets. I want to know that I've LIVED. Full on, full speed, insanely, abundantly....LIVED. 

I am a responsible adult in many respects. I've stood on my own two feet since I was 18. I've never let anyone - nor have I expected anyone to - take care of me. I have always paid my own bills. I have always supported myself. I have always made sure that my responsibilities are taken care of, first and foremost. So, now that I have worked hard and earned myself a place in life where I can take care of all of those basics, have I not also earned the ability and the right to enjoy myself? And who gets to dictate what that means? Pretty sure I do. Because, in the end, it's my own life.

I don't know if my enthusiasm bothers people. I don't know if my inability to fit in a box makes people uncomfortable. Maybe it just makes me unlikable to some. That's okay. It's okay if people don't like me. As long as I am kind and compassionate and do my best to be a good person....then I'm going to do things on my terms. I'm not hurting anyone and if they're uncomfortable with who I am, that sure sounds like it's their problem.

I will not dim my enthusiasm. I will not set my limits within others' comfort zones. 

And so I'm embracing it. Because I am happy. The feeling of being totally in the moment, of being solidly content and just in love with life....that's a feeling of freedom. And every time I experience that, I revel in it. If it were tangible, I'd roll around in it like a dog in fresh wet grass. I wish that feeling for everyone. In whatever things bring that feeling for them. Maybe it's sitting in your home, looking at your beautiful family....being surrounded by a loving spouse and happy children...having a solid foundation and a daily life that brings fulfillment and joy. Maybe it's traveling the world, seeing new things and meeting new people....seeking out adrenaline pumping adventures and checking things off your list. Maybe it's all of these things. Maybe it's none of these. It doesn't have to match my own picture of happiness and being....it just has to match whatever picture is inside of you.

I have plenty of things up my sleeve as far as plans go. But I'm not ready to share them yet. Some I will share beforehand. Some I won't. Some I know that I run the risk of a light-dimming wet blanket being thrown on my excitement by some well-meaning but soul-stomping human being. So those things only get shared with my very trusted few. Just know....you'll all hear about them (probably until you wanna roll your eyes right out of your head and puke a little) when the time is right.

Dictate your own story

Wee Lil' Update....I'm Still Kickin'

Brutus welcomes you back to the blog.

The winds are shifting. Things are changing, I'm changing, the whole damn world is different. And it's difficult to tell what changed first.

I'm in a weird grey area with some things in my life. I'm trying to sit with the uncertainty, just let it be grey until a good move is apparent. That's a hard thing to do when you're a Type A, anxious person. I want resolution and answers and comfort. I want the expected. I want plans. But I can't have those things. So I need to learn to just let it be. Until it isn't.


Here's what I do know:

I love this jewelry class. My confidence is slowly growing as I work on new pieces. My flower pendant got a very lovely critique from the professor. That made me feel pretty good. Like hey, maybe I'm not too bad at this....not as bad as I feared, for sure. I've already finished a second piece and am in the final stages of a third. This next project can be multiple pieces, but it must include a handmade chain and a bezel setting. I've made one chain. I'm almost done with my very first ring. It's not perfect, definitely has that handmade feel....but I shall wear that sucker proudly once it's set and polished. Because I made that thing from some pieces of metal and a stone. I've already got plans for a pendant and another, more elaborate ring. Then I need to decide on what my final piece will be. I'm absolutely loving this.

So proud, if it were flat, I'd have my Madre hang it on the fridge.

So now my task is to figure out how much of this setup I can create for myself at home. I want to continue building these skills and creating things once this class is done. Once I no longer have access to the lab, I'll be needing the work space and torch and pickle and the whole shebang to do the thing on my own. Hmmmm.

I also know there is more adventure in store. A fun, scary, exciting one is in the works for next month.....I'm not confirming what it is until it's here though. Talk about facing your fears. That I shall.

There's also a major trip in the works. This would mean no road trip out east this summer, but it also means an extra week of play and exploration elsewhere. So I'll likely take a long weekend this summer and go see my grandparents. They're my most favorite humans in the whole wide world, and I miss them fiercely. My grandma just sent me a surprise package - a pretty little crocheted sparkly scarf - just because. And I reminded me that I don't talk with them nearly enough, and I definitely don't take enough opportunities to go see them. So away I shall go. Meanwhile....overseas awaits. I am so beyond pumped for this trip that I can't even stand myself. I'm looking at pictures and researching places to go and every pictures just draws my mind off and away.

See why I can't concentrate?

Mini-trips also await, in the form of camping and beach time and just some quality face time with some people I hold dear. I plan to spend time this summer hiking and swimming. And I'll be getting plenty of relaxation in my hammock. Because every summer, I tell myself I'll do these things, then get mired down in working....I end up so exhausted and limit what I "have time for". Which is a damn lie. I've got time to go have fun. I just need to spend the time on the fun instead of laying on my couch being a damn hermit.

I've also crept back toward my roots. I've started re-reading some books I have - and also fully reading some that have just been hanging out on my bookshelf for years.

Zen mind...shut up and relax, mind.

For those who don't know, I've studied Buddhism since high school. It's always just drawn me. Religions in general draw me - likely for the same reason I like studying human behavior. I want to know why people believe what they do. And absolutely love the various backgrounds and myths and stories that go with so many of them. Especially Eastern religions. I took a Hinduism class in college, but never got a chance to take the Buddhism one. I use to attend a Tibetan Buddhist temple in Ann Arbor. I still peek in on their media from time to time, but the drive is just not feasible on a regular basis from out here. I don't really talk religion often, mostly because it's deeply personal for people and it can be difficult to have an objective conversation that doesn't get taken personally or become some sort of defense-tinted stream of monologue. Mostly this, for me, is about centering myself and giving myself the space to work out what is going on and what I need. Who couldn't use a quieter, calmer mind and a little bit of perspective?

As for the rest of life.....it'll all work out. I'll just have to practice some patience and some well-timed decisiveness. 

In the meantime, I'm saying yes to things. Trying new things. Working on adding to that "adventure" list. And steadily checking things off of it. I will not be one-dimensional. I will not be in a box. 

Go onward, friends. Try something new, talk to a stranger, take a leap off the edge of your comfort zone. It's awfully fun out here. 

Plus, I always have this guy when I get home:

Don't stare at his cute little face or teeny tiny paw too long, or your head will explode.