So I started up with yoga back in high school. I did very basic, beginning yoga in my bedroom, jammed into the tiny space between my bed, my desk, and whatever messy chaos of clothes and school books was strewn around the space. In college, I sporadically practiced at home, following videos and online snippets. Eventually I found some local studios and braved going to classes. I've talked before about my anxiety in new situations, especially unfamiliar social situations. Though I felt horribly awkward, I pushed through the anxiety and took classes when I could. Later on down the road, in grad school, I discovered a beautiful little studio near home filled with some incredibly kind and encouraging teachers. I took up a regular practice through school and after I started my career, and even at one point started taking yoga teacher training....until my significant other lost his job and it was on me to try to support us. A beginning social worker salary is miniscule. It barely supports one human, let alone two, and leaves no room for extra spending. So teacher training was sacrificed to the low-salary gods, and I went back to a daily home practice. After I split with my ex-husband, yoga helped me get through the not-so-fun of a divorce. Until I discovered lifting. Yoga then took a back seat and became an occasional side practice.
Why yoga? Well. It looks cool. And makes for great Instagram pictures. Kidding! I started yoga pre-social media. As a type A, perfectionistic, highly anxious human, I need something to ground myself. I need something to slow myself down. It's probably what simultaneously drew me to studying Buddhism as a teenager. It's amazing what slowing down, focusing, accepting what I cannot control, practicing non attachment, and being in the moment does for my high speed brain. Yoga - and by extension meditation - brings me to the moment. The focus is on breath and movement, on linking these two. A student of yoga learns (sometimes the hard way) to let go of the results each practice...maybe one day I move easily into poses of increasing difficulty, while others I struggle just to feel easy in the basic movements.
On to the present day. I'm going to try to describe this accurately. As much as one can. After talking about going to yoga with a friend, she offered up going to a class together sometime at a studio near here. We went earlier this week to a Slow Burn class - basically a slower paced class that involves holding the poses for a prolonged time. Sounds easy, right? It's not. It's a great challenge. It was a great class. So when looking at my options for this evening, I decided to go back to yoga and try out a Blend class. These start out more like slow burn....and then move into a more traditional vinyasa (a flow - connecting together sequences of poses at the pace of your breath) style. It was with a teacher we hadn't had earlier in the week. Jen opted in and we met up at class.
It was a normal Friday at work, which meant all the crises and chaos hit from 4pm on. Even after I left work, I was still getting texts and phone calls. This meant I came into class wound awfully tight. I wasn't sure I'd be able to let go of work. But the teacher was great, and I soon was able to relax and breathe. As we moved into the faster flow portion, I experienced something that I haven't always been able to do during practice. I completely plugged in to what was happening and focused solely on the movement. I had a moment where I started to think ahead, to get anxious that I'd forget the sequence. But I shook it off and decided to trust myself to just keep going through the pattern. And I did. I breathed. I moved. I poured sweat. Buckets and buckets of sweat. At one point, the teacher told us to not stop our flow to wipe our faces, to "let the sweat leave your body"......as if I had a choice. And then, after a few passes through the sequence, I got into and held a pose I never have before. On both sides (I'm horribly lopsided and often have one side less mobile than the other). I smiled. And stayed focused on the flow. Toward the end, he encouraged us to move into headstand. If you've ever seen my IG, you know this is one of my favorite poses. I cannot do a handstand (poor mobility in my shoulders and distrust in my own balance). But I can headstand all dang day. So I did. And then we twisted. And then settled into savasana (the final pose is laying flat out on your back and totally letting go). The poses and the flow were exciting. But here's the part that really stamped this as an amazing class.
As I lay with my eyes closed, letting any bits of tension leave my now very warm muscles...I felt it. The dreaded lip tremble. And then a few fat alligator tears slid out from under my eyelids and straight down into my ears. Good thing I was still streaming sweat, it all blended in. But I didn't feel sad. Or happy. I just felt....content. Relieved. The practice allowed me to finally let go of all the tension stored up tight deep in my joints and muscles after a stressful week at work. Sometimes a good practice will pull up emotional stuff. I used to get embarrassed about it. Now I just accept it. The profound relief and gratitude for such contentment was indescribable. We finished class, I stared at the ceiling for a minute or two. When the teacher walked by, I wanted to tell him what a wonderful class it was, how glad I was that I had come, how much I appreciated his skill at leading such an intense class. Instead, all I could do was make eye contact, smile, and choke out a "thank you". He smiled and touched my shoulder for a second, saying thank you in return as he walked by. And I let it be. I knew there was no way I could discuss the class without unleashing more emotion. I didn't even know why, exactly. Yoga is weird like that. It pulls out things you didn't even know were hiding.
Sometimes I take for granted how stressful my day-to-day can be. I work in a stressful environment. And just like the hundreds...thousands...of others who work in acute care, I've normalized it. Eventually you either acclimate or burn out. But this sets your normal gauge at a higher resting point than many other people. Ask any crisis worker, mental health tech, EMT, or pretty much any nurse in a hospital setting; they will likely agree that their "normal day" and the conversations had during that day would be wildly out of whack to most other humans thrown into that situation. Amazing what we adapt to. Humans are amazing. But thankfully.....we have things that help us to de-stress: lifting, yoga, rock climbing, skydiving, hiking......Oh. Is that just my list? ;)
Anyway. I don't know the exact point here. Maybe to encourage everyone to find their self-care. Do things that make you feel good. Take care of yourself. Always. Maybe to let people know that we all struggle with new things, returning to things, continuing to grow in things. Maybe to say hey, emotions happen. Allow them. Own them. Let them pass. And enjoy the ride, human.
No comments:
Post a Comment