My Inner Flower Child Is Restless

Life is odd.

Just when you think you've gotten off the struggle bus, shit just keeps happening. And that's life, I know. But it's been happening with an underlying sense of discontent. Particularly when it comes to all the "should be"s of life. I should be happy with the job I have. I should be happy with the things I have. I should be training. I should be more social. I should be carrying on with the things I've been doing for a while.

I don't want to.

That brings on other "should"s. I shouldn't be all over the place. I should have my shit together. Should should should.

Fuck the "should". (Sorry, Madre)

How many times in life do we do what we should do? How often do we live as expected....because that's the right thing to do? But why? And though this feels like a very teenage/college conversation to have, it's true. Why. Why live in a box? Why live by the expectations of others...or at least what we think others expect?

So then the question comes up "What do you want?" (cue annoying Notebook clip here)

You're welcome.

I want to be happy. But what does that look like? It looks a lot like many of the things I already have...with just a few things added or removed. Happiness is waking up in the morning, looking forward to the day. It's feeling fulfilled and content at the end of the night. It's time with family. It's genuine friends and time spent laughing and talking about the absurd and the serious bits of life. It's having someone I love, who is a partner, an equal in life...someone to share it all with, to share space with, who not only accepts me, but loves me for all my quirks. Happiness is a fuzzy little face and a wet little nose snuggled into my neck. It's time spent moving my body in whatever way feels good that day, whether it's lifting or yoga or a bike ride. It's canvas and paint and wet brushes. It's creating things and beautiful music. Happiness, ultimately, is connection. To someone, to something. 

The problem has been that I've been trying to alternately hammer myself into the Happiness Box. And it hasn't worked. Since I don't want to be living the definition of insanity here, I'm finally taking the time to just work toward these things. On Saturday, I made a snap decision to get off Facebook for a bit. It's such a habit to open the app, scroll through repeatedly, get distracted and caught up in the bullshit posted every day....in order to break the habit, I had to deactivate. I don't know how long it'll last. But I have to say, it's been mighty quiet since then. And it's really kind of nice to get a break from the onslaught of information. I feel a little...disconnected. But not necessarily in a bad way. And, I figure that anyone who needs to find me can. Anyone who gets mad at me for deactivating probably shouldn't be around anyway. It's not life or death...it's Facebook. I'm still on IG, but that's a much more manageable platform and doesn't feel nearly so overwhelming.

So no more hammering. Still plenty to sort out. But overall....it's better. It's getting better. And soon, there will be this:

The countdown is on, friends.

Soak in that sunshine, baby.

This is going to be as short and sweet as possible. Mostly I just need to get my thoughts out in front of my eyes.

Life has been a whole different ballgame over the last couple of months. I still have no idea what I want or need to do about my career. Thinking about it too much ends up being overwhelming. So I ponder it, leave it alone, and then revisit it. Will I stay where I am? Will I make a move? Will I leave social work altogether? Who knows.

Today, I made a move on a couple major things, though. I start a new programming cycle next week. I committed to a strength cycle with my coach. I want something low pressure and just fun, to get stronger and enjoy the perks of training strongman. I'll probably volunteer at some more contests, as well as working on Midsummer Valkyrie for July. I'm so pumped for round 2 of Valkyrie! The major move here, though, is a new gym. I'll now be at New Species, which is a great facility owned by an awesome dude. I'm really pumped. And that will be the host gym for Valkyrie....it's an exciting move that will lead to an even better contest.

I've suspended classes at Tough. My licensure is up for renewal and I have a ton of CEUs to get still. My work is offering Tuesday/Thursday classes for a few weeks to help us out, and I really cannot say no to that. Not to mention that I'll be headed off on vacation in a few weeks! When I get back, I'm hoping to tie up the major details to offer the opportunity for Strongman folks to meet and train. We will be offering a group there, and the same rules will apply - anyone and everyone will be welcome. I know a lot of people have made moves elsewhere already....hopefully a few folks will want to at least come weekly. If not, I'll embrace my own training time and leave the door open for anyone down the road.

I also let go of my private practice office. I've been unhappy with some of the things my landlord has done over the past 6+ months, which led to me not wanting to stay and therefore not really working to add to my caseload. Since it's been subleased to not one, but TWO other people, it definitely does not feel like my own space. And the original agreement for me to be able to grow into the space disappeared with the first sublease. So I made the very bittersweet choice to not re-sign my lease. Maybe, at some point down the road, I'll pick up some private clients. I do still enjoy doing therapy. So I won't close that door entirely. The sense of relief I felt once I officially confirmed it speaks volumes, though.

What else.....I've registered for a summer session class at the community collage. In a cliche, in-my-30s move, I'm going to go take a class for funsies. I've been wanting to learn metal smithing to be able to flex my creative muscle on some jewelry. Looked up classes, found a couple local places....and it's still cheaper to go with this option. It'll make for some long days for about 6 weeks. But I'm looking forward to getting the skills under my belt. I've been enjoying painting so much and have been learning so many new things about technique, color, mediums, etc. I really do just love it. I'm hoping expanding my options for creativity gives me even more avenues to explore and enjoy.

Life is getting better. It got very dark and very scary for a while. To the point that I started, for the first time in my life, having panic attacks. They hit out of nowhere. And my world started getting very small. After a couple hitting on the highway, I stopped wanting to drive very far for anything. I didn't even like having to drive to and from work. After a couple hitting at bed time, I stopped sleeping in my room and slept on the couch for a couple of weeks, falling asleep to the television. After a couple near misses at work and while hanging out with friends, I stopped going much of anywhere other than to work. I couldn't control them and had no idea when they would happen. So I hid. From people. From things I loved. From life. This is wildly embarrassing to admit. I know I'm human and it happens. But it's an awful, awful thing to be able to help others with the exact same problem you cannot stop for yourself. The good news? I'm working through it. And it's been almost 3 weeks since the last one. A couple have threatened, but I'm learning to pick up cues and navigate through them. Daylight has returned.

And no post is complete without mentioning this guy:

I love him. He's so sweet and fuzzy and just so darn adorable. I'm a crazy hedgie lady. He's the perfect pet for me. And I could just burst when he snuggles in, then peeks around to look at me from time to time. Best little buddy ever.

Basically, here's how I'd sum up life these days: more of the happy-making things, less of the stress-making things. Weeding out anything that doesn't add to my life. Embracing everything that brings joy and contentment. Isn't that how it should be anyway?