My Inner Flower Child Is Restless

Life is odd.

Just when you think you've gotten off the struggle bus, shit just keeps happening. And that's life, I know. But it's been happening with an underlying sense of discontent. Particularly when it comes to all the "should be"s of life. I should be happy with the job I have. I should be happy with the things I have. I should be training. I should be more social. I should be carrying on with the things I've been doing for a while.

I don't want to.

That brings on other "should"s. I shouldn't be all over the place. I should have my shit together. Should should should.

Fuck the "should". (Sorry, Madre)

How many times in life do we do what we should do? How often do we live as expected....because that's the right thing to do? But why? And though this feels like a very teenage/college conversation to have, it's true. Why. Why live in a box? Why live by the expectations of others...or at least what we think others expect?

So then the question comes up "What do you want?" (cue annoying Notebook clip here)

You're welcome.

I want to be happy. But what does that look like? It looks a lot like many of the things I already have...with just a few things added or removed. Happiness is waking up in the morning, looking forward to the day. It's feeling fulfilled and content at the end of the night. It's time with family. It's genuine friends and time spent laughing and talking about the absurd and the serious bits of life. It's having someone I love, who is a partner, an equal in life...someone to share it all with, to share space with, who not only accepts me, but loves me for all my quirks. Happiness is a fuzzy little face and a wet little nose snuggled into my neck. It's time spent moving my body in whatever way feels good that day, whether it's lifting or yoga or a bike ride. It's canvas and paint and wet brushes. It's creating things and beautiful music. Happiness, ultimately, is connection. To someone, to something. 

The problem has been that I've been trying to alternately hammer myself into the Happiness Box. And it hasn't worked. Since I don't want to be living the definition of insanity here, I'm finally taking the time to just work toward these things. On Saturday, I made a snap decision to get off Facebook for a bit. It's such a habit to open the app, scroll through repeatedly, get distracted and caught up in the bullshit posted every day....in order to break the habit, I had to deactivate. I don't know how long it'll last. But I have to say, it's been mighty quiet since then. And it's really kind of nice to get a break from the onslaught of information. I feel a little...disconnected. But not necessarily in a bad way. And, I figure that anyone who needs to find me can. Anyone who gets mad at me for deactivating probably shouldn't be around anyway. It's not life or death...it's Facebook. I'm still on IG, but that's a much more manageable platform and doesn't feel nearly so overwhelming.

So no more hammering. Still plenty to sort out. But overall....it's better. It's getting better. And soon, there will be this:

The countdown is on, friends.