Something shifted today.
I am so tired of feeling this way. Of being exhausted. Of beating myself up over it all. Of trying to fit myself into some sort of "ideal" box. Whatever it is I think I need to be doing....
I let it go.
Not in an annoying, Frozen kind of way. But now I bet that stupid song is stuck in your head. You're welcome. But seriously....I am extraordinarily type A. An overachiever who has never figured out how not to hold myself to a nearly impossible standard. You can imagine how this might lead to quite a bit of anxiety and stress, eh? In many ways, this trait has served me well. It helped drive me through schooling, a career, and all of the crazy athletic endeavors I've gotten into my mind to do. I'm passionate and do everything 100% full force....and I want to make sure that if I do it, I do it well.
The problem comes when this overachieving, passionate, single-minded motivation goes into overdrive. It's probably why I shied away from competitive sports for so long. I tormented myself over getting good grades....not just "good", but straight As....and that was enough to focus on. I ran from middle school on up, but always on my own, never for a team. When I started racing, I never looked at it as competitive with other people. I was not about to win a marathon...my only drive was to beat myself, to go faster or further. And I loved it. Until it started feeling like work. That beautiful inner engine went into overdrive and pushed me right into that damn self-created box.
I realized that this is what I've done to myself for Strongman lately. I've lost sight of why I started doing it. I forgot about the sweltering summer days spent pouring sweat as I piled weight onto a yoke. Or those evenings I stood off in a corner of the gym, skin rubbed raw across my arms and chest, doing battle with a 145 stone. And the sheer elation of breaking 200 on my dead and repping body-weight back squats. Brutal. And so fucking fun. It wasn't only the numbers...though watching them go up was great. But it was the challenge of pushing my limits. The sheer full-force effort and contented exhaustion afterward. And for what end? The pure sake of doing it.
I've found a piece of that in organizing this Strongwoman event in December. It's a lot, but it never feels like a stressor. Focusing on the details and bringing all of the pieces together is the fun part of my day. Getting to talk with seasoned promoters and hear their experiences and advice is priceless. It's brought up that spark of why I love the sport so much. Getting to bring together all of these amazing women, both new and established competitors...that's an honor beyond belief. Seeing what the event is becoming, all of the opportunities it's presenting for those involved, I just....I love it. Full stop.
So this will be my focus for the rest of the year. Instead of competing myself, this will be the competition of focus. Who knows what will follow. I may end up competing and going for Nationals next summer. I may take a year off and focus on putting on the next comp. The point is....I don't have to decide right now. Right now I just work on fanning that flame. What does that mean? I do the things that bring back that joy. I lift for fun and run strongman events until I'm a sweaty mess sprawled on the floor. I go rock climbing and work routes til I have T-rex arms. I go for hikes and do yoga and just move. Move for the sake of reconnecting with my body. I've gotten so used to pushing through high-volume workouts when I'm spent, exhausted, checked out.....it's become easy to do. Easy to disconnect my mind from my body and just do - without being present...without truly experiencing the moment. Time to change that.
Now that the Overachiever Box has been dismantled, I can breathe. Finally.
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