I can't sleep.
Mostly because my body clock has gone haywire. I've already gotten a handful of hours of sleep this evening. But now here I am, wide awake. Things are about to get really honest. Why? Not for a pity party...not as an excuse for anything...but for the sake of being completely transparent, because I know other people out there may be struggling with something similar. And because I believe in honesty and owning my own shit.
I'm depressed. And anxious. 24/7. A lot of it has to do with my new job and feeling overwhelmed, but I was miserably stressed in my last job and it's probably just been a long time coming. There's not enough time in the day to get everything done; I've been working 50-60 hours a week since I started. I know some people work far more, but when you deal with acute mental health and a heaping dose of kids with trauma....it's exhausting. Sometimes you're mentally drained within a few hours of starting your day, depending on what you may have seen/heard/discussed in an assessment or family session. It's a taxing job. Don't get me wrong...I love what I do. You know how they ask people "If you won the lottery, would you still do what you do for a living?"...I would. Not exactly in this capacity, but I would still do therapy and would work with those in need and would continue to specialize in trauma. Because no matter how difficult it is to witness and hold space for these things, it's necessary. People need it. And if I have the ability to do so, I want to be whatever kind of support I can be to help someone better their own life.
But the toll has been immense. I'm barely making it to the gym....scraping together borrowed time to try to work out, because I know it's my own therapy, my own release. My coach has been incredibly understanding and supportive, giving me the space and encouragement to just do what I can. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that. I'm already so busy beating myself up for not excelling at training right now, it's a relief to have a voice of reason in there. I want to go train....but I'm leaving work so drained and anxious that I can barely keep my eyes open to drive home. Some nights I get myself to the gym. I push through my programming with a head that feels stuffed with lead and a body that's half numbed out....because that little bit of relief after I've completed a workout is a little bit of happiness in my day.
"Self care" is a big buzz term in my field. It's vital. You can't give what you don't have. But at this moment, I cannot even attain this....my self care looks more like survival. Or at least that's how it feels. I drag myself home, stop for food, eat, and pass out on the couch. If I've left work early enough, like today, that means I'm asleep by 7:30. Other days, I'm out of work so late that by the time I eat, it's a normal bedtime....and then by the time I wind down enough to sleep, it's around midnight....if I'm lucky. This means minimal interaction with the world outside of work. I go to my private practice one evening a week. If I've got enough gas left in the tank, or if I manage to fight myself into running on fumes, I might meet up with a friend to go climbing afterward. Thursdays, I've been leaving work just in time to sit in traffic and get to Detroit in time to run class. Friday nights are shot....last Friday I slept from 7:30pm until the next morning around 8am. That leaves me with two days to get things done and try to relax. By Sunday afternoon, I'm dreading starting it all over again.
I've isolated myself. I barely talk to anyone and have dug myself a little hole to hide in because the sheer energy it takes to function right now leaves little to put into being a decent human being. Head down, dig in, gut it out.
It will get better. I gain new staff later this week. If the universe is kind, she'll be a good fit for the job and will take a huge burden off of everyone in my department who is over-worked and over-stressed right now - myself included. All I can do is wait it out. Survive until the weekends and try to recharge as much as possible. Try to keep a positive attitude and let go of what I cannot control during the week. Take note of the good things that do happen during the week and focus on those. It's not all dark and terrible....but life has lost its shine a little, like viewing it through a hazy window.
Again...why post this? Why bother? It's not a complaint. It's not a "woe is me, my life is so hard". It's just the facts of daily life right now. And someone else out there is beating themselves up because balance is hard. Balance isn't always possible every moment...sometimes the scale swings a little before you can even it out. And it's okay. It's okay to sometimes feel like shit. It's okay to prioritize and re-prioritize until you have a formula that gives you some peace in life. Some sense of accomplishment and the feeling that the difficult days are worth it. It's all just fine.....as long as you don't stay in the hole. You cannot live in the bunker and wallow. You have to sit with the discomfort and stress and disappointment for a while....and then things change - whether it just naturally shifts or you have to actively make choices to make something happen. But eventually....something has to give. My staff and I had a long talk today....they vented frustrations and stress, we agreed to work together to make some more changes for everyone's sake....and I realized that I have to do something different. I cannot effectively lead a department if I'm just as bogged down in the chaos as everyone else. Leading by example is actually a thing, not just a convenient little phrase.
I'm ready for the shift. Ready to get back to feeling like myself and enjoying life. Even on the hard days, it's beautiful.
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