Do what you must

I don't even have words for life over the past week and a half. I am just...exhausted.

One of my staff members had a complete and utter meltdown. It took over a week for it to fully boil over and resolve. And every day I felt like I got hit by a train. I deal with human emotion and distress on a daily basis. My days are patchworks of depression and tears and anxiety and hopelessness and fear and worry. My job is to handle the crises...in order to keep the department running smoothly, I am the go-to person for my staff when there is an angry parent, a frustrated guardian, or a panicking child to soothe. I am the "fixer" when things go wrong....or when people just are too emotional to be rational. And I am equipped to handle that. Sure, some days are draining and I need to just recharge afterward. But overall, most days which would lay a "normal" person out flat are just par for the course for me. Not because I'm superhuman....but merely because of extensive training and experience in the field. A good portion of the conversations I have every day with colleagues would be, at best, odd and, at worst, disturbing or traumatizing to many. But to have someone who is supposed to be equipped to handle most of these things have a complete meltdown....to have them spiraling out of control and creating a toxic environment for the other staff and even the patients....that is exhausting. Having someone with their own mental health issues not managing them is scary. There's no stability and you spend every hour wondering what's next. It took a lot of support for me to weather that particular storm. And I am eternally grateful for my amazing support system.

As a result, that person is no longer employed with us. And that means I am even more short-staffed. So I am shouldering the extra work to help keep everything afloat and to try to minimize the stress and potential burn out of my other social workers. This means even longer hours. Which means even less free time. Or even recovery time. Last night, I worked until 7, stopped for food on my way home, ate, then passed out on my couch by 8:30. I dragged myself to bed at 9 and I was out for the night. A 10 hour day is a "short day". I had to cancel my appointment with my private practice client because I knew I would not make it out of work on time. It won't last forever. But holy hell...I'm so over it.

I want to be in the gym. I've got the motivation, finally. But then I'm mentally exhausted. And physically. There aren't enough hours in the day. And even if there were, they would just fill up with more work.

But for now, I can plan. I know my next steps. I just have to get my new staff trained and started in a couple of weeks. And then my time is my own again. And I will be able to breathe a little. And get back to training. I cannot wait. I am itching to move and lift and sweat.

In the meantime, what little time I have is dedicated to finalizing the details for Valkyrie. Prizes have arrived. Now I just need to order shirts. And then we wait....wait for the registrations to finish coming in and wait for the day to arrive. I am so excited. This event has grown and taken on a life of its own. No matter what I have going on, one message, or piece of mail, or email related to Valkyrie just makes me smile. I truly love organizing this. I cannot wait to see everyone in one place. I love this sport.

So here I am. Just hunkered down and doing what needs to be done. Because sometimes that's life.

Cultivating Gratitude

What are you grateful for?

I don't mean the standard "oh yes, I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach" kind of grateful. Of course those are wonderful things. And, of course, I know that not everyone has those. But if you stop and think right this moment about what brings you absolute joy...what makes you giddy happy....what would those things be? They shift and change over time, but right now, I've got a few things. And I'm trying to keep these in the forefront of my mind when I get stressed out or anxious.

Jul Valkyrie is one of those things. I am absolutely floored every time I get an entry, look at the list, and realize how many women are coming to compete in this thing. Each time a new piece to the planning comes together, I get a little rush. Having an idea start to become tangible...it's amazing. The immense support from so many people, especially the contingent of seasoned strongmen...talk about grateful. I don't even have words for how it feels to know so many have your back and will make an effort to help just for the sake of helping. This community is beautiful.

Along with that goes watching the group that has been diligently training at Tough for this competition. These women have all grown in leaps and bounds. Seeing them progress, the pride on their faces when they lift something heavier or move something faster, hearing the confidence emerge in their voices when they talk about lifting...yes. That's it, man.

Lifting again, just for the pleasure of it. My little atlas stone finally made its way home this week. I immediately proceeded to practice some stone-to-shoulders and carry it around. I did some tire flips, just because I can. And this week, I'll go do some squats and deads and whatever else tickles my fancy. Taking the pressure off to be competing or working toward some set goal right at this moment has made a world of difference. I want to be in the gym again.

Writing. I've been making a slow return to my favorite creative endeavor. I always wished that I was a visually creative person. I really admire artists who create beautiful things with paper and pencil and paint and clay and any other medium that goes from blank or non-existent to a tangible thing. And by beautiful, I don't mean something pretty to look at. I mean art that makes you feel something, whether it's hyper-realistic or bizarre or surreal. That goes for those inclined to make art of the audible kind. Musicians are amazing. I've played instruments, though never anything completely mastered. I always wanted to learn to play by ear (I was a classically trained violinist who can still sight-read sheet music but can't listen and repeat back a damn thing on violin). My brother can play any damn instrument put in front of him. Music has always been a core part of life...I grew up in a house full of music and developed a strong love of many genres. But to express myself through it? Not my forte. Words have always been my art. I love words. My other major in college was linguistics, and I regularly nerd out and read books on the topic. I love grammar and syntax and phonetics. I love novels and poetry...dark, deep topics and light playful memoirs and love poems. There are times I feel overwhelmed with a need to write. About many things. I have piles of short stories. Journals and notebooks full of random bits and pieces. At any given time, a couple of plots and characters are running around in my brain. I've been making time to sit and write, even if it comes out to be a random addition to my journal. It feels so good to do.

The people in my life....that is what I am most grateful for. I have the most amazing, creative, fun, kind, sarcastic, weird, supportive people ever around me. The folks who I consider "my people"...that small circle of trusted humans has been the secret weapon against all of the anxiety and struggle. And my someone is one human I'm especially thankful for. He makes me laugh, lets me vent, adds an extra dimension of weirdness that my life would otherwise be without. I am so very thankful for that. He doesn't bat an eye when I ask to ship battle axes to his house, encourages all of my endeavors (even if he doesn't quite understand all of it), is the voice of reason when I get all hot-headed about situations at work, and willingly dives into adventures with me. And he'd get all bashful and pink in the face if he read this - just like he does when I tell him he's my favorite human. I rarely talk about my personal life in much detail, because it is just that: personal. It's mine to have without the world needing to know a damn thing about it. But if I'm being really honest about this topic, then it should be mentioned. Because it's truly the thing at the top of my gratitude list. Even if the superstitious part of my brain screams "don't talk about it or you'll jinx it!".

So this is where I am these days. It's beautiful.

It's a beautiful week, my friends.

I'm two for two!!!

Yesterday, I got my arse to the gym, even though I didn't leave work as early as I had hoped. Worked on some overheads with the barbell....I usually do those with axle or log these days, so it was nice to switch it up and work on something I hadn't in a long time. Then I decided to try out sumo deads. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. My hips are weak, man. And that's a good thing - lots of room to work and improve. I've only pulled sumo a few times before, so it was nice to get some tips from a gym buddy who is much more experienced in them. I had to get my head out of it; time to stop worrying about the ego and the numbers. I know I can pull heavier weight. But I'm not going to sacrifice learning the movement properly for the sake of saying "oh yea, I can pull this much".

Then, tonight - after meeting with my client - I got to the climbing gym. And I actually climbed. And did some challenging stuff. And did a little drill work. WHAT. As with everything else, I've got miles and miles to go with my climbing skills/technique. But damn does it make me happy.

I've been practicing the art of not hanging on to the negative things. I have to say, I'm noticing an overall change in my mood and feelings about life. Things no longer feel like they are just piling on. A rough day is just that - rough. Not life-ending. Not panic-inducing. Just a bump in the road. Take it as it comes, do what I can do to deal with it, be kind to myself if I need the down time to recover a little more. Some days it's a fight not to get drawn into others' negative thinking and let it slide me right back down into that pit. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly changed that's allowing me to do that. But I can't. It just...shifted.

Maybe it's helped to stay focused on all of the good things. The little bits and pieces that make up such a good life. And I don't mean the usual "Well, it could be worse. At least I have food and a house". Yes...duh. There's always someone worse off. But that doesn't negate feeling shitty or like you're struggling. And, I'm sorry folks, but this isn't the damn Terrible Life Olympics. Depression, anxiety, stress....they feel equally as stifling. Telling people that "some people don't have it as good as you" is a PC way of minimizing them telling you "I don't feel right. I feel overwhelmed/stress/sad and can't get out from under it". If someone is telling you that they feel they are struggling, here's what you do: SUPPORT THEM.

Be kind. Listen to them. Do what we therapist-type folks call "validating feelings". It's such a small act, but it makes such an impact. There was a conversation I had with a friend months ago that still sticks out in my head. And she probably doesn't even remember or realize what it meant to me. I called her and vented about my day. I mean full on ranted and raved and yelled in my car over the phone line about my terrible day and my awful boss and every single injustice I felt had been heaped upon me for the past several hours. And she just listened. And when I finished, she paused a second, then just said "I'm sorry you had a bad day". I suddenly became a toddler on the phone, the tears hit me and I probably just blubbered something that sounded like gibberish. But it was that simple acknowledgement...no advice, no rationalizing...just someone saying "Yes. That is shitty. You are having a terrible day. And I'm sorry to hear that". And that's all I needed. Then she cracked a joke and I laughed and we continued talking. Sometimes ya just need someone to let you know that they have heard you - that they get it.

It's much easier to keep an eye on the positive things when you have supports like that. All the good little things start adding up. And instead of feeling buried, you feel lifted, buoyed by the feeling of contentment and thankfulness for those things.

So tomorrow, I challenge you to take some time to pay attention to the folks in your life. Check in, see how they are doing. Let them know you're there as support. And if you see someone who is struggling - either ongoing heavy struggle or just one of those bad days that happen to all of us - do something nice for them. Something as small as stopping for a conversation and a smile, or giving of your time to grab some coffee with them, or even leaving them a nice little note or performing a random act of kindness for a stranger you see having a difficult day. It's worth the extra few minutes, I promise.