Do what you must

I don't even have words for life over the past week and a half. I am just...exhausted.

One of my staff members had a complete and utter meltdown. It took over a week for it to fully boil over and resolve. And every day I felt like I got hit by a train. I deal with human emotion and distress on a daily basis. My days are patchworks of depression and tears and anxiety and hopelessness and fear and worry. My job is to handle the crises...in order to keep the department running smoothly, I am the go-to person for my staff when there is an angry parent, a frustrated guardian, or a panicking child to soothe. I am the "fixer" when things go wrong....or when people just are too emotional to be rational. And I am equipped to handle that. Sure, some days are draining and I need to just recharge afterward. But overall, most days which would lay a "normal" person out flat are just par for the course for me. Not because I'm superhuman....but merely because of extensive training and experience in the field. A good portion of the conversations I have every day with colleagues would be, at best, odd and, at worst, disturbing or traumatizing to many. But to have someone who is supposed to be equipped to handle most of these things have a complete meltdown....to have them spiraling out of control and creating a toxic environment for the other staff and even the patients....that is exhausting. Having someone with their own mental health issues not managing them is scary. There's no stability and you spend every hour wondering what's next. It took a lot of support for me to weather that particular storm. And I am eternally grateful for my amazing support system.

As a result, that person is no longer employed with us. And that means I am even more short-staffed. So I am shouldering the extra work to help keep everything afloat and to try to minimize the stress and potential burn out of my other social workers. This means even longer hours. Which means even less free time. Or even recovery time. Last night, I worked until 7, stopped for food on my way home, ate, then passed out on my couch by 8:30. I dragged myself to bed at 9 and I was out for the night. A 10 hour day is a "short day". I had to cancel my appointment with my private practice client because I knew I would not make it out of work on time. It won't last forever. But holy hell...I'm so over it.

I want to be in the gym. I've got the motivation, finally. But then I'm mentally exhausted. And physically. There aren't enough hours in the day. And even if there were, they would just fill up with more work.

But for now, I can plan. I know my next steps. I just have to get my new staff trained and started in a couple of weeks. And then my time is my own again. And I will be able to breathe a little. And get back to training. I cannot wait. I am itching to move and lift and sweat.

In the meantime, what little time I have is dedicated to finalizing the details for Valkyrie. Prizes have arrived. Now I just need to order shirts. And then we wait....wait for the registrations to finish coming in and wait for the day to arrive. I am so excited. This event has grown and taken on a life of its own. No matter what I have going on, one message, or piece of mail, or email related to Valkyrie just makes me smile. I truly love organizing this. I cannot wait to see everyone in one place. I love this sport.

So here I am. Just hunkered down and doing what needs to be done. Because sometimes that's life.